Just breathe.

What was my first breathwork experience like? Read on for the details.

Not long ago I joined a breath-work workshop. I went in thinking it would be akin to lying down and being talked through a meditation. I was very wrong. Breathwork, is well, work. It requires focus and a bit of (easily learned) technique but the outcome was well beyond what I expected to experience.

I’ve been following a spiritual path for a couple of years now. Mostly in response to a life I found painful, unfulfilling, confusing and not in the direction I thought i’d be heading. Dabbling with more holistic body movement in yoga and pilates has afforded me some mindfulness and physical release, whilst meditation, tarot reading and visiting a medium has given me more insight into the way i’ve lived and would like to live. Finding out about breathwork simply appeared to me as the next logical step on this road to self discovery.

After a couple of hugs with total strangers, words of affirmation and some seemingly superficial questions that opened up more of my soul than i’d previously known, we were about to go on break. A couple of mild ‘practice’ sessions leading up to a short intermission had already drawn out an unexpected and considerable amount of emotion and buried childhood trauma. We were told when we returned we’d be undertaking a conscious connected breathing session for a full hour.

The instructors were extremely helpful in articulating what some people experience; Visions and memories locked away, some muscle tension and cramping, laughter and tears — perhaps all, or none of it. I was not concerned about the experience, but i’ll admit I dismissed these potential sensations as ‘probably won’t happen to me.’ With that thought, I joined the thirty other attendees for a quick break and a muesli bar.

Once the break was over we returned to the room, lay down on our mats and began the exercise. Rhythmic music bumping through the open space, the instructors commence providing guidance for the breathing. One breath into the stomach, then another into the chest, then release through the mouth. Repeat. That’s it.

About 5 minutes in I begin to get worried. Not because anything uncomfortable was happening - on the contrary - I wasn’t feeling anything. For the longest time i’ve felt a tight pain in my chest from the stress and burden of many things i’d been carrying around with me. Often friends would ask me what was wrong, despite believing I was doing well hiding the welling tears that would sit prominently behind my eyes almost perpetually.

A buildup of emotion that never had a proper chance to release and was simply…stuck.

This workshop really felt like one of my chances to get some relief from all this grief. For it to fail to give me the release I had anticipated was putting a lot of pressure on the occasion and subsequently, caused a small amount of panic. This would be short-lived.

At about seven or eight minutes with my hands floating like claws, cramped above my chest as I lay on my back, my face tensed and contorted. What followed were tears. A lot of them. Streams of tears i’d been holding onto for what felt like decades. This went on as occasionally just as I thought they would end, an instructor would gently place their hand on my chest or head to tell me that “it’s okay.” Which would naturally prompt another flood of salty goodness from beneath my close eyelids. The way the guides ‘hold space’ for you in such a vulnerable condition is absolutely nothing short of incredible. For some of the other men I spoke to after the session, we agreed the gentle care was unlike anything any of us had experienced in our adult lives. So the wailing continued, purging out pain from heaven knows how long ago and giving myself a sense of release and reprieve unlike I had ever known.

During this breathing session, I saw family members that have long passed giving me advice, living family giving me permission to let go of my history and even a conversation with myself that felt as if I were standing toe to toe with him. To see these ‘visions’ without any hallucinatory substances or aid, just the rhythm of your own breath - is nothing short of its own form of magic. For those who haven’t been through this kind of experience - yes it sounds a little ‘woo woo’. There was a lot more to it than described, personal and powerful beyond comprehension, but suffice it to say, I recommend the workshop for the catharsis alone.

I won’t lie, at the end I was very hungry but as they did warn us before going in, it was better not to have a full stomach for the conscious connected breathing and I can emphatically support this advice. The process does take a certain physical and emotional toll on the body. This was a powerful and unwavering journey into my mind, focussing on my inner child, my hopes and dreams for the future and just giving myself some time to be more mindful about my life.